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YOU'RE NEARLY DEAD 6: To The Occupier

April 16, 2018


This week our hosts address a variety of occupiers, from the metaphorical to the metaphorical. Plus our first listener submission, some righteous smack talk about Will Smith, and Charlie is a superb dick about Matt’s piece.


Apologies for the sound quality. Matt & Charlie are in Norway, but we didn’t want to miss a week.






Dear occupier

I would address you as my guest

But you have spread like smoke through every room

and I have become marginalised in my own home

The place felt dull when I welcomed you in

I admired your irreverance 

Your cheek and cleverness

But now when I try to think you sit there braying and vaping

Butting in to every conversation 

Spotting every misplaced word

Making others feel small





When it happened

I was traumatised.

I hadn’t realised, but I put you out of my mind

And tried to forget about you.


It’s only now,

Breeze coming through the forest of beech

As I trample autumn leaves underfoot

With wildlife skiffling quietly

You briefly flitter across the skyline

And as quickly as I remembered,

You were gone.





To the Occupier


It has come to our attention

that you’ve been damaging the property

Wear and tear is normal

but widespread and wanton 

will likely shorten your tenancy


We acknowledge that youthful exuberance

can result in occasional havoc

but evidence suggests 

that the exuberance is ongoing

and youthful is a stretch 


To avoid the inevitable eviction

we request the immediate cessation of such behaviour

and ask that you carry out repairs where possible


We never forced your hand

So please don’t force ours





Emotionally detached collections of faces

Interlocking connections of places

To go, riding the crashing white bleach tipped waves from the beach

Smooth enough for the doctor to treat with his leech the

Ailments of the members

Walking on beams, boards and timber

The captains legs keeping steady mother made shock absorbers 

Eyes up, the crows nest signals the way

Finally, land, five days away

Months out at sea the familiarity of their mobile home

Now unsure what lies ahead rather than sea to roam

Maybe cut it short

Line up the next port

Grow old seeing the world one horizon at a time



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